Diabetes Anxieties Where There Should Be None

While diabetes doesn’t take a day off, I am in regards to a diabetes blog post that is – well mostly – I mean diabetes does have a way of sneaking into just about everything.

I went today for my first boob squish.

Turning 40 isn’t all about black balloons and jokes about being over the hill.

To be honest I didn’t care so much about the number although I was sad not to spend my 40th birthday with my besties either in CA or those back in TX. I was fortunate enough to have made a couple of friends here that surprised me with a frog for my garden and some pre-filled Sex On The Beach shot glasses. My actual birthday came and went with little fan fair and that was fine. I’m saving the big celebration for my 42nd birthday – after all 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Back to the boob squish.

At an annual physical shortly after my birthday my new doctor handed me a form to schedule my first mammogram. That was on May 30th. Between that day and today I had met a women that has stage 4 breast cancer. I shared that story a few posts ago. I had meant to schedule my appointment right away. Actually, I had scheduled my appointment but then something came up and I had to cancel. I never called to reschedule.

Why not?

Time. Or Fear. Not sure which or how much of each played a part in my procrastination.

Either way I hadn’t rescheduled. Luckily the clinic called me earlier this week to remind me.

I scheduled the appointment for today. Best get it over with.

I woke this morning knowing I’d go in and have my boobs smushed today and then get some results sometime later.

I have no reason to be fearful. It wasn’t the physical pain that made me so. Despite what my husband thinks I actually have a very high tolerance for pain. I mean I did push a child out my lady bits and then have two C-sections after my daughter; and after both I was home vacuuming and cleaning and taking care of other children without the use of narcotics.

I have no reason to think my results would be anything but normal. So why did I spend the day anxious?

I think maybe its the idea that there is always the chance they wouldn’t be normal and then I would know.

Maybe having to think about the possibility of an abnormal result is just so scary to think about. When I think about my own mortality I don’t think about me. I think about my kids. I wonder who would be able to take care of them if I wasn’t here. How would my husband manage? We have no family here. And on top of having no family here we have no family that understands diabetes. My older sister gets it a bit and my mom has cared for my kids a couple of times but never without some big issue popping up and her getting flustered. None of my husband’s family understands any of it. I don’t blame any of them. It’s hard to understand when you don’t live it each day. So when I took my first shower of the day I tried to shake all the ugly ‘what-ifs’ from my head. Then I took my second shower – the one I had to take 10 minutes after the first because I put deodorant and perfume on after the first (you can’t have deodorant or perfume on for the exam). I hope now that the exam is done I will relax a bit and for a while at least not worry about my own mortality.

The exam itself was no big deal. No pain or discomfort. The technician was super sweet and she chatted pleasantly with me while adjusting the twins (individually) as needed.

After all was over – all the squashing was done – I felt much better. It’s done now. On to grocery shopping and soccer.

With Chad out-of-town it was also the most four play I’ve had in a week.

Anyway – this is just a post to remind all my friends to make the necessary appointments. For us ladies over 40 the boob squish takes all of 15 minutes and if you’re lucky you are given a heated gown like I was, which was good because the exam room was freezing!

And dear diabetes – can you just let off for a bit – let me have the normal boob squish anxieties without you popping your asshat head in.



2 thoughts on “Diabetes Anxieties Where There Should Be None

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