Wish It Was Today

Day 26 Health Activists Writers Month Challenge

What’s a day that you wish you could use a pain-free pass? How would being pain or worry-free impact that day?

A pain/worry free day? Couldn’t it have been today? Couldn’t today be the day that I woke up happy and carefree? I tried. I really did try. When my alarm sounded at 6:30am and I reached for my phone (that is my alarm) I tried to be joyful. It didn’t work.

I hit the snooze line on my phone. I didn’t want to get up. Conversations, arguments, and unhappy thoughts flooded my brain the moment I became conscious. I realized I slept through a 3am alarm that was set so I could check a blood sugar on my youngest. This resulted in fear and guilt until after I checked him and his meter registered a perfect 104 (seriously I should have snapped a picture because it could be used in an advertisement for the meter – most advertisements always show perfect blood sugars even though most blood sugars are not perfect.)

My daughter slept through her morning alarm as well and thus was still sleeping soundly when I went in to wake her. I checked her blood sugar and she was a little high, gave her insulin for the high and dosed her for her breakfast then asked her to hurry since she was running late.

My chest hurt as I went downstairs. I don’t believe I am suffering from any medical issues – just anxiety. I began the process of packing lunches then realized I didn’t type and print the index cards my Middles asked me to complete for his class presentation today so lunches would wait while I typed up his notes and printed his cards. More chest pain.

Anxiety and depression feel like heavy weights in my chest. They may be emotions but the pain is real.

This week has been craptastic.

Middles has been experiencing stomach pain, chest pain (rapid heart rate), and headaches. He is not one of my kids with Type 1. But – he is at risk based on studies that show he is positive for all the anti-bodies found in those who develop Type 1 diabetes. He has had a number of what I call “pancreas hiccups” meaning when I have checked his blood sugar at random times after meals and fasting his numbers have been above what is considered normal but below those that would indicate he already has Type 1 diabetes. With the increase of odd symptoms including stomach pain, rapid heart rate and headaches (some of which have resulted in him being unable to stay at school and all of which are those my daughter experienced before her diagnosis) I called the other kids endocrinologist and requested an A1C and glucose tolerance Test.

His fasting blood sugar was 98 – (normal/standard results are 60-99) = just barely pass (although this was at 10:30am, when I checked him first thing in the morning he was 133)

His glucose 2h post 75g glucose was 162 (standard range is <139) = fail

His Hemoglobin A1C 4.7 (standard is 4.6-6.0) = pass

What did the tests tell me – nothing I didn’t already know – my Middles is still experiencing pancreas hiccups and there is a high probability that the storm is coming. When I think of this I always think of the last moments of the original Terminator movie when Sarah Conner is about to drive away with her dog and a young boy says “a storm is coming” and Sarah says “I know”.

Does knowing change things – not really. I can’t stop it. I can try to slow it down though. How can I slow it you ask – I can try to reduce the stress on his pancreas by discouraging him from eating huge amounts of carbohydrates. (since I’m the parent by discouraging him – I mean not allowing him.) But wait you say – carbohydrates and sugar don’t cause Type 1. You are correct – a person does not develop Type 1 by eating too much sugar. Still if I can help his body keep his insulin producing beta cells less stressed by reducing the fast carbs he eats than I will certainly try. I haven’t talked to the endo yet to confirm my beliefs but it sure makes sense – right? I know my husband thinks so because when I told him the results through tears over the phone on Thursday he spent the next 10 minutes lecturing me regarding how our family needs to eat better. (Yes that is a dig on my husband because at that moment I needed a hug but instead got a lecture. I don’t blame him entirely – I think many people (and by people I mean most men) think that providing suggestions and what they believe to be solutions is what others need during a problem (the whole fix-it thing). When honestly no matter how right the fix-it person is – the person that is upset needs hugs and support first.)

Anyway – I already restrict fast sugars in my home but that doesn’t mean there is never a bowl of Fruit-loops on the breakfast table, a chocolate Santa or Egg on the holidays, a bowl of ice-cream in the evening. My kids don’t drink juice or eat any type of fruit roll-up, fruit snacks (except for treating low blood sugars). They rarely get to eat candy that isn’t chocolate – although sometimes they do. Cookies, cakes and brownies are all served sparingly. We use whole grain bread and don’t often eat french fries or other fried fast foods. Overall I feel I serve my kids healthy fresh foods but there is always room for improvement.

Anyway back to today.

I have all this anxiety. Anxiety over my Middles. Frustration that my home is mess and never seems to get clean. Guilt because I feel I was too hard on my Middles regarding a project for school that I feel he neglected. Disappointment that my daughter and her dad spent the evening prior arguing yet again (something for which I am most often blamed for with the phrase “You’re just like your mother.”) My chest hurts and I’m tired. I’m always tired.

But why should today be THE pain/worry-free day. Because it’s my birthday. I didn’t ask for anything. I don’t need or want anything material wise. I just wanted today to be pain and heartache free. It hasn’t been and I don’t suspect it will get any better as the day progresses. I do want to thank all my friends for the facebook and twitter birthday wishes and texts. They do mean so very much to me.

For now I’m gonna wash the dishes, vacuum, do laundry and plan what’s for dinner. When my I pick up my kids I will smile and laugh and love them regardless of the pain in my chest. I might drive straight from the schools to the beach. The beach always helps.

This too shall pass. I will push pancreas hiccups back into Pandora’s box. Middles next school project will be better because of the lesson’s learned via procrastination with the project he is presenting today and my daughter will grow up to be a strong confident woman BECAUSE she is like me.

Oh and I just learned that we are out of toilet paper. There is half a roll in the kids bathroom but otherwise no other toilet paper in the house. How did I allow us to run out of toilet paper? I blame Costco – I buy stuff in bulk that seems like it should last through the zombie apocalypse thus I always think we have plenty. I’m gonna put the left over Halloween napkins in the bathrooms.

9 thoughts on “Wish It Was Today

  1. Oh Christina, I am so sorry for how today is turning out. My heart aches for you right now as I can only imagine how much stress these pancreas hiccups are putting on you. I really wish there was something I could do to make today better. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your birthday amazing. The only thing I can give to you are these words….

    You inspire me. You are a brave and amazing Mom and an extremely wise woman. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your blog as you have helped me more than you can ever know. I realize that today you aren’t feeling it, but I that is precisely why I wanted to say it.

    *BIG HUGS* and wishes for a birthday that ends wonderful, even though it did not start out that way


  2. Wow — I don’t know what to say. I’m reading your story and thinking back to a podcast that Chris (Consequence of Hypoglycemia) had with Meri (Our Diabetic Life). Meri recalled a conversation with her non-D son about going through the TrialNet studies to see if diabetes was coming … he declined. He decided that if it was going to happen, it was going to happen, but there was no point in adding to the stress of “when”. At least that’s how I remember it — but my memory can be fuzzy at times.

    And the toilet paper thing… it happens to all of us. I think we need these little pains and annoyances so that we can overcome them, which then gives us the confidence to face the big pains and annoyances.

    Please try to enjoy your birthday. And if your daughter is just like her mother… that’s a good thing.


    1. lol – Thanks Scott. My daughter is very much like me – also has a lot of her dad. Basically the world better watch out because she is one tough little bugger and stubborn as all heck.
      Birthday was good – I got my favorite cake.
      Sometimes I do wish I didn’t know about my Middles and other times I know I would worry regardless so knowing doesn’t change much.
      Thanks for your kindness – always.


  3. All I can think to say is…I love you! I love your strenght, I love your humor, and I love the way you agonize over your family’s health and happiness. I love that you have such a huge heart. I love the way you don’t get overly angry at strangers, you educate them.
    I simply love you and hope your Birthday ended up offering at least a small break in the day to day craziness. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


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