Greetings old friend.
I have a number of friends that I don’t talk to regularly. Sometimes weeks, months even a year can pass in between chats. Still when we do reconnect it is like time stood still and we pick up where we left off. We recognize that life gets busy and crazy and sometimes sad and so conversations take a back seat while we get our shit together. It isn’t that we don’t think of each other often while we are away.
My blog is a friend. I’ve thought about dozens of posts the last few weeks but taking time to sit and write would have added stress to my already stressed heart.
I recognized sometime in April that I was in a full-blown burnout. Not just diabetes related – life related.
I don’t write about my marriage or extended family much here. I don’t think its fair to them. But know this – (many of you will already know this) diabetes takes a toll on families. Not just those with diabetes but the entire family. As a dmom I share much of my frustrations about late night blood sugar shenanigans, sleep deprivation, fears, and anger. It may seem as though I get my shit together fairly quickly but in honesty some of the emotions always linger and those emotions affect my marriage and other relationships.
Sadness, exhaustion, fear, and anger are always dropping in. Much of the time I am able to adjust the pieces so they don’t stack up too high. Picture a game of Tetris if you haven’t already. I redirect the fear, anger, sadness, and exhaustion so that they cancel each other out and leave me with space for hope, love, laughter. Sometimes the pieces fall too fast or I misdirect a few pieces that sabotage the whole operation. The result – the stack reaches the top and its game over.
I reached that point just after my birthday. I was in a bad place. I was in a period of depression with a side of anger. I had to step back and reset the game.
Life is cyclical. Things are improving now because I hit a precipice and changes needed to be made. Things will continue to improve and there will be another point in the future where things stack up and changes will need to be made. Each time life cycles around we have an opportunity to develop a deeper sense of self-awareness and growth.
While I don’t like the place I was over the last couple months I certainly am grateful that life is not linear because a line doesn’t allow for growth.
Anyway – I’m back and feeling reenergized so – Game on.